“[God] is orchestrating everything around me in my life perfectly”

Thursday meeting 8/23/18:

            It was a good meeting today.  Larry was back (he had had a heart attack or some cardiovascular event, and had been away for months).  His skin looked yellow and pasty, and his face bloated, as is often the case when someone is on a certain type of medication.  Jennifer sat up there as chair.  Her speaker was a younger guy by the name of Scott.  I believe she mentioned that he was her sponsor’s husband.  He was chubby and wore glasses, and spoke so slowly, it drove me nuts.  His taking a couple extra beats between thoughts, or words even, made me anxious.  I used the imagery of a fisherman aggressively reeling in his line with Maggie after the meeting, to illustrate my frustration.  The theme of his story was his higher power, his struggles with it, and how that changed in sobriety.  Good topic for us all.  Betty was back, and sat at her usual spot up front.  

            Scott described his trajectory into drinking alcoholically as a product of losing his faith.  He said, “I drank because I lost my faith, and it relieved my anxiety.”  Consequently, when he got sober, he struggled with his concept of God, or “a higher power” as he described it.  “I had no solution…nothing to replace the alcohol with.”  He talked about working with his sponsor early in sobriety, and how he was ready to unleash his opinions about God, but he stopped him short.  He asked him, “Do you believe in God?”

            “Yes, but…”

            His sponsor cut him off with yet again, “Do you believe in God?”

            “I said yes, but…”

            “DO you believe in God?”

            “Yes,” he relented.

            “That’s all you need then.”

            Margie was the first person called on.  She always says such insightful things.  She spoke about her stress with her son Kevin about his grades in school and his girlfriend she wasn’t particularly fond of, and how she came to the realization recently that when she’s feeling this anxiety/fear, it’s because she’s “not trusting that God’s ‘got this.’”

            Brad said, “You’re either a hostage to Ego, or a host to God.”  I liked that.

            Jennifer tentatively called on Betty.  We all wanted to hear from her as her son had passed recently, but I certainly didn’t know if she would volunteer to speak.  I’d noticed that Joan had put her purse on Jim’s seat so no one would sit there.  Betty addressed us, “ I used to think that God was the big eye in the sky that fucked me over…then I realized that life just happens.  God doesn’t have time for Betty.  Life happens, but God gives you the grace to get through it.”  I liked the part about grace, but what she said bothered me.  Maybe this was my Ego, but I liked to think that God has time for Stephanie.  

At lunch with Margie after the meeting, I expressed my feelings about the difficulty I was having over what Betty said.  Margie replied, “Not only do I believe that God has the time for Margie…I think He’s orchestrating everything around me in my life perfectly.  He’s God after all…to suggest that He doesn’t ‘have time’ for little stuff or individuals seems silly to me.  He’s all powerful.”  And that is what I needed to hear today.

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